I believe that the idea of “Loving others as you love yourself” is a risky proposition.  Why? Because if we treat others the way we sometimes treat ourselves, judging, criticizing, berating- they’d run for the hills. I know the content and caliber of some of the discussions that have happened in my head over the past several decades. Take this morning for example. I found an unopened jar of Nutella that expired in 2023- friends we are well into 2025. Now my first reaction? “Seriously Elizabeth, when was the last time you clutter cleared this cabinet?” But it stopped there and I shrugged, and put it in the trash. No shame spiral. No long monologue about laziness or neglect. This is the practice of self compassion. And you too can meet yourself with a light heart and a kind word. It is a matter of becoming your own coach.

Here is a fact. Harsh criticism has never made anyone a better person. Not in a sustainable, meaningful way. We can grow and evolve, but only when we choose to, and when we feel safe and supported enough to do the work. Someone else criticizing you won’t change you. And even your own inner critical voice is just as ineffective. Lasting change comes from coaching not criticism. Criticism cuts. Coaching- guides.

Good coaching is rooted in empathy, clarity and constructive feedback.  It happens in an environment where growth is possible and progress is celebrated.

If I didn’t believe I could grow a little every day, I would have eaten that Nutella with a spoon a long time ago. Not because it would help, but because I would have hoped it could numb the sting. Soothing the pain isn’t the same as healing it. 

You were not born lacking in self compassion. Babies don’t hate their feet, or their nose or even feel moderately bad about the fat rolls that make them look like a little stack of doughnuts. They don’t mind they can’t do geometry. Then they learn about expectations and comparison. At some point they began to emulate the behavior of berating themselves or another into becoming a certain type of person. This is criticism not coaching.

So what if we unlearned that?

 “Comparison is the thief of joy.” Theodore Roosevelt.

You don’t know someone else’s life.  So if you see a tall person who looks like they have it all together you may think – ah if only I were taller it would be better… This is a game you will never win.  Even if they do have a perfect life,  this doesn’t mean it would be perfect for you!  You create your own perfection. 

Try this: a 14 Day Self-Criticism Cleanse

The challenge: For the next two weeks, don’t say anything mean to yourself. Not out loud. Not in your head. Not under your breath.

Mark the days on your calendar.  Make it official.

The rules:

• Don’t be critical of yourself- Coach yourself. Create an environment where change can happen. Your coach only will offer constructive feedback.
•  If you catch yourself slipping don’t pile on more shame. Just make note, smile shake your head and MOVE ON.
•  When you come across something you usually criticize try stating it as a fact without judgement:
  •    I have freckles from my grandfather.
  •    I am a woman who is 5’6” tall
• These are neutral truths- not good, not bad. Just facts.  Say them aloud and breathe.

What about the things I Can change:

            Ask yourself : Do I want to change this?

            If the answer is no, put it in the accept list and move on.

            If the answer is yes, then explore why it is the way it is- and what you’d like instead.  Break the change down into small achievable steps.  Work on one thing at a time.

            State out loud “I am a person who is learning to ___” and Breathe.

Coach yourself.

And if you slip?

            Give yourself grace.

            Try a gentle pep talk: “Okay Elizabeth. That didn’t go so well today. Lets figure one small thing to tweak.”

            Celebrate even the smallest wins! Maybe keep a tally on your calendar and aim for one fewer critical thought tomorrow.

The results:

            You may find that you are kinder to yourself.  You may feel more accepting of your own personality. And you may realize that the unopened old Nutella was never the problem- it was actually a little gold star, because you didn’t feel you needed to eat that Nutella with a spoon to feel OK. 

That’s compassion. That’s growth.

And now you no longer need to fear loving others as you love yourself.