Compassion Starts with You, Me, Everybody!

As a very sensitive child who felt strange and different and moved around a lot, I grew up believing I didn’t belong anywhere. As a result, I developed an innate belief that I was flawed, unlovable, and everything that went wrong was my fault. 

Unaware of this belief and the constant guilt and shame I felt inside, I wondered what was wrong with me. After that, to protect my heart, I began to take responsibility for others’ moods, choices, and pain (which I now realize is totally egotistical) and stepped comfortably into the role of rescuer and people pleaser. In my quiet certainty that if I took responsibility for everyone else’s hurt and pain, they would be happy, and I could finally find peace and feel safe and perhaps, just maybe, be loved if I was perfect and never caused any issues.

The problem with believing that everything in the world is my fault… mistakes, choices, rejections, and hurts are all my fault, is that it kept me in a cycle of fear, perfection, survival, and doubt. Attracting relationships where no space or place was available for my needs and no one even inquired about how I was, even under major trauma and challenges. The more I lived in high alert, the wearier and distrusting I became of those around me, my heart, body, mind, and soul.

Throughout the years, as I began to travel deep within myself to welcome love and liberation into my life, a familiar song played in my head …

“What about me? It isn’t fair

I’ve had enough, now I want my share

Can’t you see, I wanna live

But you just take more than you give

More than you give” Moving Pictures

As I became aware of this, I began to feel that the kindness, compassion, and love that I wanted to see, and be, in the world were directed at everyone but myself. I had learned to be a kind and safe space for others, while always judging and criticizing myself and it was depleting my joy for life and burning me out.

It was around this time that I was blessed to meet a wise teacher who asked me “Kyla, if you hate yourself this much, isn’t it also possible to love yourself just as much???” This was the question I needed to hear to begin to set myself free. I had created these patterns to keep myself safe, so it wasn’t about making these people pleasing, rescuer, parts of myself wrong. I was acknowledging it was time to change, and for me to choose deeper authenticity and accountability in my relationships, alongside greater compassion and more useful habits and responses to life. Plus let go of this survival pattern idea, I had to adjust, or shape shift myself and become needLESS, or that I could possibly know what others needed without asking.

I then began to discover, that compassion for self and others isn’t a destination – it’s an everyday intention and choice. A choice to move beyond our own fight, flight, freeze and fawn survival patterns and choose to focus on more useful response and behaviours based on love, care, and SUPPORT. 

Compassion moves us beyond empathising, or seeking empathy, with another and into asking “how can I support .. “by being supported and/or supportive … which is where the transformation occurs.

My mission since this day has been to allow more support into my life, to let go of being responsible for others’ happiness, and to tune into the radio station of kindness and compassion. Among these are setting clear boundaries and making choices that support my needs as well as those of others. 

One of my most favourite ways to do this is to have check in’s when I’m feeling overwhelmed and stressed or that familiar “what about me” song begins to play and ask myself …

AM I choosing ..

• distractions OR presence.
• right and righteous OR curiosity and compassion.
• people pleasing OR truth.
• criticism OR connection.
• judgment OR understanding.
• seriousness OR play.

I then acknowledge where I am at with compassion, and flick the switch …

by asking myself “How can I support (or be supported) and what would LOVE do ..?”

My dream for us all this month, amidst the ongoing chaos of the changing times and uncertainty, is to CHOOSE COMPASSION and many more moments of kindness for yourself and others as you ask yourself “what would LOVE do?”